


Don't You Dare Shed A Tear, Love Yourself and Nobody Else Dear

by marieanatrujillo



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: 2.1K, 2.3K, Angst, F/M, Fluff, Sad, Suicide, sorry man, w/o epilogue 2.1K
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-06
Updated: 2014-01-06
Packaged: 2018-01-07 16:39:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1122125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marieanatrujillo/pseuds/marieanatrujillo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Paige is suicidal and she finally ended the pain, but she doesn't know the grief she caused Liam.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't You Dare Shed A Tear, Love Yourself and Nobody Else Dear

**Author's Note:**

> Hi thank you for reading!! Forgive me for the topic but it was on my mind and sitting in my writings folder since forever!

Actions speak louder than words you would usually say, however, would it really be the case for her when all it circulates around her are words and fragments and phrases? I can only stare at the infamous five words reiterating on the smudged and damaged paper “I want to kill myself.” Those horrid and depressing words were on at least thirty pages of the small brown flimsy journal with mindless doodles and scribbles.  
“There’s no point in living if you’re just surviving.”  
“It seems so simple at first, but so enduring when you come to the breaking point.”  
“No one really cares for me, just tolerates my presence as a minor human being struggling with the world on her shoulders.”  
All the cursive written words were despondent, not showing one sign of happiness when all she was laughter and smiles, going through harm’s way to see anybody smile. The tearstains and dried blood were prominent on the pages, noticeable what she had been doing to herself. All I ask for is why she, out of all people, would be capable of destroying her body and her bright self.  
“I’m perfectly fine, it’s just a random thought.” Her lies were oblivious to me, and I believed each and every one of them. If turning back time were possible, I’d go back with a refreshed mind and stop from this future and present happening, prevent the regret she would feel if she would ever wake up. I was grateful one of her colleagues found her before it was too late, grateful for the paramedics getting there quick enough to keep a heartbeat and brain activity functioning. Little things everyone should appreciate and be thankful for, because you never know when something might leave, in a blink of an eye it’s all gone and there’s no going back.  
“Please wake up…” I whispered, as I stared at her pale body just lying there, lifeless and emotionless on a stiff bed.  
Her mom’s cries were significantly heard from outside of the room and her father shouting to bring her back sobs escaping, no attempt at trying to hold them back. Her friends rushed into the hospital, denied the approval of doctors to witness her cold body.  
I smiled at the memory of her genuine smile, running around the lighted forest with towering trees and colossal leaves hovering and swaying over us. It was a memory etched into my mind, highly doubt it would be erased or eradicated.  
I looked over through my peripheral vision, seeing the blood constantly flow through her veins, hoping for bright colors to glow off her skin as she usually would.  
I shoved the distressed journal into my overnight duffle bag, concealing the dairy from anyone else, respecting her privacy even if she never wakes up, god forbid she doesn’t.  
“Bye love, I’ll be back soon. Don’t miss me too much.” I pressed a kiss to her forehead, chuckling to myself at our small joke between us, whenever I’d have to leave or go outside for two minutes. I narrowed my eyes to the floor walking by her agitated parents who were holding each other for solace and comfort. It was pretty selfish of me to just dawdle by them, but my feet wouldn’t turn to face the reality for both them and me. I wonder how many times she doubted how much her parents cared for her, how much her friends loved her, how much everyone enjoyed her presence not just tolerate it.  
“Sweetheart! Sweetie, come back here!” I heard a voice echo behind me, probably calling out to one of the people surround the room.  
“Hey! She’s waking up, the girl’s room you just came out of.” The agile lady gripped my shoulders, making me turn around to face her, her palpable emotion of running out of breath and slight excitement.  
“Sh-She is?” My throat closed up, feeling my legs quiver and my body slowly going numb as I followed the nurse back into the room.  
“Did you hear? She’s waking up, she’s not dead!” Her mother was drowned in tears and a wave of happiness, her eyes instantly lighting up with delightful emotions as she and her husband embraced, happily knowing their daughter still hadn’t left the earth.  
xxx  
I wasn’t allowed in until Paige was at a full stable condition and doctors allowed others that weren’t siblings or parents.  
I felt the hours pass by, slowly time was ticking and the clock gave me no comfort or solace in the bland waiting room filled with either cries or screams.  
I spent hours trying to decipher why she would even do this horrible action to cause only grief and despair. She didn’t want to make any harm; no far from it would she ever think pain would be a huge factor.  
A call of my name tore me out of my possible conjectures. I followed the dainty nurse who seemed new by the way she walked with her harms tangled in front of her and footsteps quiet enough to sound like a mouse.  
My eyes directed to her pale, fragile, and limp body hanging on a thread of life. A small smile spread across her face, only a dot of blush came up to the apples of her cheeks.  
“I love you a lot.” I blurted it out in a small whisper; I gained only a small nod from her and removed her gaze from the shining white sheets up to my eyes.  
“Can we be alone for a few please?” Her cracked and stained teary voice pleaded as those who were in huddled out in a few seconds. “Are you going to scold me for doing it?” The sound of her distressed tone made my heart crumble even more, as if a knife kept chopping it into smaller and smaller pieces.  
“No I’m not. I understand why you did it but it doesn’t mean I approve of the reasons. The only thing that matters is that you’re alive and healthy and have a shitload of people bringing you chocolate cupcakes with marshmallow in the middle.” I managed to get a stifled giggle out of her, pupils growing large and filling with gaiety.  
“With the cute little stars sprinkled on it too?” I nodded my head as an answer, squeezing her hand softly as reassurance and love. A moment of reticence passed before she spoke again.  
“They’re making me go to a psychiatrist or whatever it is but I don’t want to… I promised them I’d be better but they’re not having it.” A sniffle paused then her upcoming words, “It makes me feel worse if I have to talk to someone strange about my problems. Can you convince them not to?” I know it would be a challenge to talk her parents out of something since I’m literally no one to them, only their daughter’s boyfriend.  
“I’ll try to, but it’s your parents we are talking about. Do you have a way of showing them you’re better off without medical help?” My voice was timid still and just a bit shaky. What if she asked about her journal or what if I accidentally say something about the journal?  
“Like my journal that’s in your bag? I was asleep not dead Liam.” Paige smiled and chuckled at her horrible joke. I scrunched my nose up at her, mimicking a picture of her when she was a toddler doing a ‘piggy face’. Her faced seemed like her body ached, full of pain and a visible expression of her body in throe.  
xxx  
Now I was excused out of the room when I attempted to say it wasn’t necessary for Paige to have weekly sessions with a psychiatrist. It was inevitable that their words are stronger than mine but Paige has the final word of what she’s doing since she’s officially above age and living under our roof, not theirs.  
My muscles contracted as I heard soft sobs from Paige’s room, unrecognizable if it was her or her mother’s.  
xxx  
Paige was admitted out of the hospital two days later and turned down the offer of therapy sessions for her mental wellbeing.  
She greeted me in a wheelchair with the same nurse who was obviously new. She was back to her giggly self of laughing at anything possible and her inability of staying still for more than five minutes.  
“Carry me like a princess, Prince Liam.” She extended her arms out and wrapped them around my neck as I kneeled down to her level and lifted her up of the chair. I remember back to the times where she would say ‘she weighs way too much to carry her’ or ‘I’m too fat for you to pick me up’ when in fact I would prove her wrong and keep her carried in my arms or on my back for a while.  
“Did you eat all the cupcakes your lovely friends bought you?” I sat her in the passenger side of the Range Rover, giving her some of the teddy bears and floral arrangements some others got her.  
“Nope! I saved some for you silly.” Her finger tapped against my nose, a grin spreading across my face that it hurt after a while of just looking at her like a total fool.  
I looked around for the car keys, touching my jacket and jean pockets when I felt a strange item inside, a blue velvet box with a gold ring inside just waiting to be announced.  
xxx  
I waited a couple of weeks to settle back into our normal routine of her in university and work and I waiting for meetings to be called and settled or do something productive to keep me busy.  
There were endless amounts of cards describing the pain they felt when they heard her news, flowers and balloons scattered around with ‘Get Well Soon’ or ‘It’ll Get Better’ around them, it was making me physically sick.  
As much as she didn’t seem to like isolation, the same goes for attention. I could hear her mutter a curse because “She never gave a fuck about me and suddenly she does? Amazing is it when you resurrect from the dead.” I’d joke around, claiming she’s the female Jesus Christ and merrily laughs along with my joke, joyful she’s taking it lighthearted.  
It comes the day I want to propose to her, considering it has been three years of constant bicker, battle, love, romance, joy, and everything mixed in to create our relationship. I lain at night, my mind pestering me with thoughts about her laugh or how she covers her nose with the antecubital space of her arm, even when she thinks I’m asleep or home alone, her amusing dance moves to whatever song tunes in on the radio while she’s doing something in the flat.  
I see the frame of Paige’s body leaning against the doorway, catching her smirk with her ‘Princess’ mug tightly held in her hands.  
“You know it’s awfully frowned upon to stare at someone like that.” I remind her, striding towards where she stood.  
“Mm, I was not staring, I was gazing in fact, and it’s completely plausible.” Her body is engulfed in my arms, swaying back and forth in a relaxing motion. I can imagine our kids running around the house, eager to get to school and not be late. The way the house will be all to ourselves after they’ve gone to school and maybe we’d have a little one to still take care of and enjoy while she’s young.  
“Paige, I wanted to ask you something important that is not worth your favorite and most desirable mug breaking.” I overdramatize the situation as she walks towards the couch but I walk backwards into the room to reach for the haunting box and put it in the most discreet place I could think of in my joggers.  
“Good because I want to tell you something too.” Her voice chimes through the room as I sit down on the couch beside her. Thoughts ran like wildebeest around my head, the worst situations that could occur.  
“Let’s just… say it at the same time.” I offered her, my palms beginning to have a wet feeling to them as I think about the question more and more.  
Simultaneously, Paige and I exclaimed both things we all wanted to hear. “Marry me?” “I’m pregnant.”  
That’s when I knew, I was directed onto the right path already, and the rest of our morning consisted of planning for both parties and futures, the way I wanted the impending future to start.

**Author's Note:**

> Epilogue- 
> 
> “Daddy we’re going to be late!” Natalie shouted in twisted, but comprehendible, words and phrases.  
> “Yes daddy, we are all going to be late to go eat lunch because he’s been day-dreaming again.” Paige scolds me, chuckling along the way as she held her two month belly.  
> Natalie was only two years old, and the most eager and compassionate two- year-old that could ever exist. She asked for a baby brother or sister because it was getting ‘wad’ of playing dollies alone.  
> I remember the time I wished for this life, longed to see my family in place and getting ready to settle down completely.  
> It’s been four years since Paige decided it was enough to kill her-self, but struggled within herself but kept alive and strong for me, Natalie, our awaiting baby, and even herself.  
> It’s all what entirely matters; putting you before others. Yes it is a nice feeling of helping others and putting their needs when you get rewarded for being kind and humble, but it can be a devastating thing when it gets bottled up and you have no way of escaping the upcoming volcano of emotions but to harm one’s body


End file.
